Perya Politics

I’ve always felt that whenever election time comes, our country’s politicians act more like circus performers than politicians. After all, they never cease to amaze us with their publicity stunts. They trapeze from channel to channel with their own advertisements and infomercials, juggle road-widening projects with press conferences, and make billions of pesos magically appear to fund their nationwide campaign. All these because they can also pass through the loopholes of COMELEC’s election code. So, I might as well introduce them as a ringmaster would:

“Step right up! Step right up! Here come the 2010 Presidentiables!”

For our first performer, we have Manny Villar. He can save OFWs from cruel employers and help farmers plant their crops. He’s not afraid of em-bracing sweaty people. He can even wipe mud on his orange Polo shirt! Let’s zoom in on that scene. See, see? But wait, there’s more. Villar can also drag Boy Abunda for an interview in his old house in Tondo. See how dilapidated it is? Villar used to dream and eat corned beef mush in this little shack. If he were president, could we be magically transformed from rags to riches as well?

Up next, we have Mar Roxas whose engagement with Korina Sanchez eats almost as much airtime as Manny Villar’s commercials. See him try to serenade her with suave and coolness comparable with that of Hayden Kho’s “talents.” And he can drive pedicabs! That means he’s not your typical senator equipped with cars and bodyguards. Roxas commutes on special occasions and seizes vehicles from their drivers. He also attends rallies and hurls expletives for the public to hear. Vote for him or he’ll curse you!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, beware. No one is safe. For even in the dark recess of our moviehouses, there is Bayani Fernando! Not only can you see his face plastered all over the metro with his signature pink and blue colors of doom, you also have to endure sitting through his lengthy ads before finally seeing the movie you paid for. Don’t underestimate this Celebrity Duet champion, his huge face and clenched fists on his equally huge tarps are meant for presidency!

Whew, I’m tired of shouting. Please enjoy the facial care endorsed by Ping Lacson and Vitwater endorsed by Manny Pacquiao while we give you a Noli de Castro PAG-IBIG ad as intermission while Loren Legarda, Chiz Escudero, and several other people are signing autographs in the corner.

By the way, these peoples’ stunts are technically not considered election campaigns. After all, none of these good people have filed for candidacy yet and they’re not exactly screaming “Vote for me as President!” in their ads (though they might as well). This friendly reminder was brought to you by COMELEC.

And finally, the show you’ve all been waiting for, the GMA-Erap Death Match! See these two controversial leaders battle it out. One called “Tiyanak” and “B*tch” by her own allies, the other impeached in EDSA 2 and convicted with plunder. But wait, didn’t they say they would not run for president anymore? What? Con-Ass has finally been approved, you say? Oh, I see. They’re running for parliament!

Step right up, folks, and witness our whole country turn into a circus! ▪