Holiday Queer: The Singa Christmas Quiz

Jerjer After Theory-class and Joklang Echosera

Gosh, Christmas is like, fast approaching. I have to make rush pa to Greenbelt 5 and Serendra to buy gifts for my friendships, you know. Para naman they have something to look forward to besides the oh-so-fun Oblation Run, duh buh? Dapat those aren’t the only candy canes na aabangan nila. *wink*

E you, friend? How’s your Christmas spirit na ba? Not sure? Ano ba you! Take this Singa quiz na nga lang so that we’ll find out if you’re a friend, Roman, or countryman this Peskow. Ready, set, flyzung!

A. While making lakad along Ortigas Avenue carrying ten boxes of Krispy Kreme Donuts for your org’s Christmas party, a street child approaches you, asking to have one donut. He makes kuwento that he has not eaten anything since, like, forever! What will you do?

1. Kebs. Kunwari, I don’t care. Deadma. Sabay lakad ng mas fast. As in super duper.
2. Get angry with the child for contaminating your Victoria Secret Lotion-treated skin. Make tantrums. Sabay kuha ng Huggies Wet Wipes and you immediately make punas to whatever portion that had contact with the bata-kal.
3. Uber talab the paawa effect ng kiddie, who you think is a product of unfair distribution ng different kinds of resources. You cannot do anything and as such, your conscience will command you to give one box of the donuts to the child. Pati mineral water that was left in your bag and some barya, isasama mo na sa donuts. O diba? Go, Mother Teresa!

B. Your parents who happened to work as nurses in the United States lost their jobs because of the financial crisis. You happened to know this news the weekend before your class party by sobrang accident talaga. As in! Siyempre di ba the party has dress code and grabe, the theme of the bonggang party is Oscars. You don’t have the dress yet and clueless pa rin your parents that you know na pala what happened to them. As the most sosyal in the barkada, your friends expect you to be there. Your mother lily and sugar daddy called to ask you what your plan is for that party. O, what na, sister?

1. Duh! Will still go to the party but will make lapit to a friend para manghiram ng outfit. It’s the season to be jolly, and to be user friendly!
2. You will use your credit card to have a shopping spree sa Podium tapos sa Mall of Asia, tapos sa Greenbelt. One year’s worth of money is nothing compared to superstar glory, kahit for one night only!
3. You’ll be absent sa party because you are not vain. Pampalubag loob: the damn Oscars-inspired party is like, ano ba, so baduy. Done that na sa kinder pa.

C. After an entire year of making ipon your baon, and making lagay your sobrang ten-peso coins in the piggy bank, it is now your turn to make sungkit the laman of the plastic coin bank. Kahit na you broke your nail making sungkit, like you discovered, wow! Ten thousand pesosesoses ang iyong nasave. Saan you magsusplurge?

1. You are like the third person sa parable of talents: you won’t do anything with those resources. Kulang na lang is like to make baon in the lupa the whole piggy bank.
2. You’ll phone in as many friends as you have and tell them that you’re going to libre them at Starbucks. But wait you just want pala to redeem your reputation of being kuripot and cheapipay. Go Girl, grabe, save to the highest level whatever that’s left from your humanity because of your cheapipay image.
3. You will go to the mall to buy lots and lots of candies, fruits, cookies and cheap toys. Tapos you’re going to make dozens and dozens of loot bags which will be given to those who will make katok to your mansion, and to street kids and other people who are busy namamasko.

D. It is the eve of Christmas day and it is so lungkot kasi you are alone in your room sa boarding house. Your roommates kasi went back to the province. What will you do on that day?

1. Just finish your mega pile of books na hinoard mo from mainlib to take advantage of the long holiday break. Since you live near the campus, why not make kuha na rin your super kapal readings in your justice or anthropology class sa Blessings, More Blessings, and soon to open, Siksik, Liglig at Umaapaw na Blessings for more geekiness. And march on your way toward becoming the next summa cum laude of your department!
2. Be the gimikera that you have been since you were exposed to the urban environment of UP Diliman. Go to Starbucks, endeavoring your warm cup of Praline Mocha beverage while sitting by the window, and flaunting to the whole universe your latest laptop and cellular phone. Sana lang, like, hindi kayo magkita ni manong holdaper.
3. Be the religious student that you have always been. Go to your church to hear mass or service. But wait, there’s more! You do kind deeds for everybody pa. You are kind hearted really eh, so no effort pa all that!

E. What is the first thing that you will buy for yourself after having all the pamasko from your titos and titas, mamitos and mamitas, who are all senyoritos y senyoritas?

1. An Economic Text Book written by Samuelson and Nordhaus. You flunked the first exam of your professor who turns out to sell her credibility she earned to a soap brand just to make both ends meet. Your failing score in the first exam reminded you that you have to finish your course with honors in order to uplift your family’s economic and social standing.
2. Of course, clothes and shoes. It is so nakakahiya to go back to school by January, still wearing the clothes that you have made hukay in your great grandma’s baul. Actually, it is your mission not be a fashion victim anymore. You can now make libot to all the shops just to have a new set of clothes and shoes, and this might help in having your crush make pansin you.
3. Nothing. As a second year student who must pay twenty thousand pesos every semester, you just realized that your pamasko can help your parents shoulder the tuition for next semester. Next time na lang you, family muna. At least di na muna sila uutang just to expose you to different forms of symbolic violence that happen in UPD.

So, friend, you know naman how to count diba, since you passed the UPCAT naman, no? If you answered mostly:

1- Grabe talaga, you seem not to care for other things. For as long as you are safe and sound in the comfort of your own existence, there shouldn’t be any problem. Your Christmas is so plain, simple and rests on pragmatic ideals. You’re so cheap talaga.

2- You’re like Madonna: A Material Girl (or boy, or whatever!). I can be your BFF because we can go shopping and have bar-hopping escapades together. Grabe, we can make tambay in those posh coffee shops, sipping our coffee while puffing our DJ Mix. But wait, I have a tip pala. Let’s not have coffee at SM Fairview: My gosh, there are so many purita kids making limos out there and I don’t want their poverty to spoil our enjoyment as we establish our friendship through caffeine and second-hand smoke. Mwahmwah, my BFF!

3- OMG! Well, you deserve to have the Nobel Fizz Fries for empathy and selflessness. You are such a hero talaga. Like ikaw ang iilang nagbibigay ng pag-asa sa possibility ng AUTHENTIC na REBOLUSYON! Kaya, Humayo ka’t magpakarami. As in now na.